Let’s just go ahead and get this out of the way. We went camping, and my dog ate human feces. Kai is a glorified shit-eater. He had poop for breakfast. Must have been good, because after he did it he pranced around like he just had ambrosia in a golden chalice. I feel better that this is a secret I no longer have to keep. You’re welcome. Let’s get on with it.
There are three types of outdoorspeople.
1. The Type A Outdoorsperson.
This person is me. Let me explain. If I bring even one item that makes my pack heavier and I DONT USE IT, I am deeply disappointed in myself. If every little object in my pack is not organized to the extreme degree, I see red. If you don’t pitch the tent in the most efficient way possible, I will scream at you unnecessarily. IF you drink more water than you are allotted, don’t even THINK about having my share when you’re hung over and thirsty in the morning. You BETTER have your TENT organized or ELSE!!! AND GOD FORBID YOU DON’T PICK UP YOUR TRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So you see, this is obviously the best person to camp with. Just ask my boyfriend.
2. The Glamper.
If you answer yes to any of the following questions, you are a Glamper. Do you have a camp chair with arm rests? Do you eat steaks and baked potatoes fireside? Do you own a 50 person Coleman Tent, for two people? Do bring a generator with you to charge your precious iPhone? Do you own an air conditioning unit for your tent? Do you hold your number twos until you are back in town? This is the camper that the Type A Outdoorspeople snicker at… and then go eat a miserable dinner of Ramen Noodles and sleep on rocks.
3. The Eustace Conway.
Please reference The Last American Man by Elizabeth Gilbert. Also reference: People Who Do Things Outdoors Who are Bat-Shit Crazy and SECRETLY EGOMANIACAL and Do Not Take Anything Into The Woods But Their Physical Bodies also by Elizabeth Gilbert. Except it’s the same book. The Eustace Conways of the world are the dudes you will meet backpacking that look like they are either homeless or badass. Until they scare the shit out of you when they try and steal your food in the middle of the night. They couldn’t eat roadkill any longer. Also, according to The Last American Man, these people are extremely horny. Hide your wife. These folks laugh openly at the Glampers. Except they love sleeping on rocks.
The good news? (Here comes the peace offering..) At least all of these people are enjoying our natural world. Just differently.